I guess anyone who has been following along knows that I've been having issues with contact with Raven's parents. Namely, they have been very inconsistent.
Back at the end of September, Raven's mom sent me a chatty email after a long silence. And after a few days to ponder and rewrite my response, I replied. And then she was silent again.
This morning, I had another email from her asking about the possibility of a visit. I already did the debating and hand wringing and deciding last month. There will be no contact between Dawn and Raven unless Raven's mom is willing to set a schedule and stick to it. I don't care what that schedule consists of (visits, just acceptable times to send mail, phone calls, any pattern she'd like) as long as she's willing to stick to it. Her lack of consistency is hurting my daughter, the Munchkin that I parent, and it is unacceptable to me. The first father (my current SO) is disgusted by the lack of contact because he sees it hurting us and wants nothing to do with them. I will remain available for any contact they'd like but I won't involve Munchkin. With the decision already made last month, it was easy to reply immediately to her email.
I received a phone call from Raven's mom at lunchtime. It was the fastest response I've ever gotten from her.
"But Raven wants to see Dawn too," she said.
I'm sorry. I really really am. And Dawn would also like to see Raven. But when she drops out of contact, it hurts and upsets all of us. I don't object to wanting time to themselves. I don't object to not having any visits at all if she doesn't feel they're in Raven's best interests. But she has to tell me what's going on. She can't just ignore me for 10 months and then demand a visit out of nowhere. If Raven doesn't want to see us, that's fine, but it shouldn't stop Raven's mom from at least sending me a short email to let me know why contact is stopping.
I asked if she was willing to set up some sort of schedule or plan for contact.
They are not. They are not willing to commit to any type of schedule now that Raven is older. They don't know when or if Raven will want visits in the future.
I'm sorry to hear that but Raven isn't the only child involved in this. Munchkin is involved too and it hurts Munchkin not to know when or if there will be contact.
She says she's trying to do what's best for Raven; Raven is her daughter.
That's fine. Munchkin is my daughter, the only one that I'm parenting. I have the same right to do what I feel is best for her that Raven's mom has to make those choices for Raven.
But Raven wants to see Dawn. And Raven's mom has agreed that a visit would be okay and in Raven's best interests since she wants it so much. Raven's best interests are for her mother to decide. Am I going to go against what Raven's mother thinks are in her best interests?
Raven isn't the only child involved. Raven's mom can't decide what's best for Dawn. That is for me to do and I feel that inconsistent contact is worse than no contact at Dawn's current age and maturity level.
The conversation got a little heated. I was shaking by the time it finished. In the end, I agreed to take a couple of days to think and discuss things with first father and re-evaluate based on Raven's current desire to see Dawn. I promised that I'd call or email her no matter what my decision by Friday. But I wouldn't promise that my viewpoint will change or that I'd allow the contact.
I am seriously stressed out by this. It all seemed so clear but after the phone call my feelings were muddy again. What am I supposed to do? How can I choose the welfare of one child over the welfare of the other? Why is it that I have to weigh and consider both Raven and Dawn's feelings but Raven's mom refuses to consider how Dawn might feel or just plain doesn't care?
adjustments...
0 comments
I was reading a post on SMO. Adoption and surrogacy are different. Some people think they have nothing in common but I think traditional surrogacy has at least a few things in common with adoption.
In the post, the intended mother mentions that her TS has asked them to stay for at least a week post-birth before going home. And some experienced surrogates offer their experiences with the post-birth time. And it made me think of the differences between the post-birth times of the three adoptions.
With Raven, everyone came to the hospital, friends, family, and even my daughter who was almost but not quite two years old. There were tons of pictures. The hopeful a-parents visited for a short while but not in an intrusive way. It was the first time I met them. I wonder, looking back if our relationship wodul be different if I had known them during the pregnancy, gotten to know them as people and given them a chance to know me before Raven was involved. Shrug. We can't change the past. I left the hospital and didnt' see the baby for almost a full year except a few pictures sent through the agency. Munchkin was too young then to really understand or remember but she can see the pictures of her with Raven if she wants to.
With Morrigan, I got to know her parents a little and they were definitely too much of a presence in the hospital. I've written about that before. But after the hospital, they stayed in the area for about a week waiting for some sort of permission to cross state lines (ICPC?). We visited in their hotel room. They took tons of pictures of us with the baby and of Munchkin with the baby especially. Munchkin was 3 then. I don't know if she remembers the event or if she remembers us telling the story to her of visiting with Morrigan but she remembers something. It helped my adjustment a lot to have that time. To see the baby with her parents and solidify the decision. I crashed the least after Morrigan's delivery. I wonder if the extra time was the reason...or maybe it was because Morrigan's mom seemed to instinctively hit on the right amount of contact, not too much or too little.
With Cass, I didn't have anyone in the hospital except Cass's parents. Munchkin was six and a half. She was nervous about visiting the hospital. And I had the tubal ligation the day after delivery so I was busy recovering from abdominal surgery, no matter how minor. So I didn't want her to come...and I didn't let anyone else come either except my SO (the first father) and Cass's parents. Cass's parents took her straight home since they are in the state. And in the week or two following delivery, when Munchkin was interested in the baby, I discouraged it. Well...not so much discouraged the interest though it did poke at raw emotions but more discouraged the want to visit; I didnt' want to intrude on the new family. But the time we did have an invitation to visit them, Munchkin had passe from curiousity about her new sibling to not wanting anythign to do with her. At first, she didn't want to even see pictures. And we hadn't taken any of her with Cass becasue they hadn't been together.
Weeks turned into months. And Munchkin still wanted nothing to do with her. Months turned into a year and Munchkin continued to refuse to visit. Remember in my last post how I mentioned that I didn't want to be anyone's hated Aunt Sally, an obligation that they'd rather avoid? And with Munchkin old enough to make her feelings known about seeing Cass then and Cass too young to have an opinion on the matter, I decided that Munchkin's feelings were valid. I didn't encourage her to not see Cass...but I didn't push her either. Munchkin was in the same room with her for the first time last month. I pushed the issue hopign the result wouldn't be bad but it was pretty anti-climactic. That's a whole different post, one that I definitely need to write at some point.
Munchkin still has little to no interest in Cass but she asks when she'll go do something with Raven or Morrigan. I don't understand why her feelings and comments are different; I guess I don't really know why my feelings were slightly different each time for that matter. But I wonder, would it have been different if she had met the baby shortly after she was born? Or is the difference in attitude due to the huge age difference and nothing I did could have mattered?
And I know that if I get pregnant through IVF to have Cass's sibling, things won't be different than Cass's delivery. I'll leave the hospital or birth center ASAP and the baby will go straight home with his parents. I know I can deal with the lack of transition time. It makes things a little rougher emotionally but I can cope and I expect TS won't be as bad post-birth as an adoption placement anyway. But I don't know how munchkin will feel about it or what it will mean for her relationship with Cass or her half-sibling-to-be.
...and now back to NaNoWriMo Land.
In the post, the intended mother mentions that her TS has asked them to stay for at least a week post-birth before going home. And some experienced surrogates offer their experiences with the post-birth time. And it made me think of the differences between the post-birth times of the three adoptions.
With Raven, everyone came to the hospital, friends, family, and even my daughter who was almost but not quite two years old. There were tons of pictures. The hopeful a-parents visited for a short while but not in an intrusive way. It was the first time I met them. I wonder, looking back if our relationship wodul be different if I had known them during the pregnancy, gotten to know them as people and given them a chance to know me before Raven was involved. Shrug. We can't change the past. I left the hospital and didnt' see the baby for almost a full year except a few pictures sent through the agency. Munchkin was too young then to really understand or remember but she can see the pictures of her with Raven if she wants to.
With Morrigan, I got to know her parents a little and they were definitely too much of a presence in the hospital. I've written about that before. But after the hospital, they stayed in the area for about a week waiting for some sort of permission to cross state lines (ICPC?). We visited in their hotel room. They took tons of pictures of us with the baby and of Munchkin with the baby especially. Munchkin was 3 then. I don't know if she remembers the event or if she remembers us telling the story to her of visiting with Morrigan but she remembers something. It helped my adjustment a lot to have that time. To see the baby with her parents and solidify the decision. I crashed the least after Morrigan's delivery. I wonder if the extra time was the reason...or maybe it was because Morrigan's mom seemed to instinctively hit on the right amount of contact, not too much or too little.
With Cass, I didn't have anyone in the hospital except Cass's parents. Munchkin was six and a half. She was nervous about visiting the hospital. And I had the tubal ligation the day after delivery so I was busy recovering from abdominal surgery, no matter how minor. So I didn't want her to come...and I didn't let anyone else come either except my SO (the first father) and Cass's parents. Cass's parents took her straight home since they are in the state. And in the week or two following delivery, when Munchkin was interested in the baby, I discouraged it. Well...not so much discouraged the interest though it did poke at raw emotions but more discouraged the want to visit; I didnt' want to intrude on the new family. But the time we did have an invitation to visit them, Munchkin had passe from curiousity about her new sibling to not wanting anythign to do with her. At first, she didn't want to even see pictures. And we hadn't taken any of her with Cass becasue they hadn't been together.
Weeks turned into months. And Munchkin still wanted nothing to do with her. Months turned into a year and Munchkin continued to refuse to visit. Remember in my last post how I mentioned that I didn't want to be anyone's hated Aunt Sally, an obligation that they'd rather avoid? And with Munchkin old enough to make her feelings known about seeing Cass then and Cass too young to have an opinion on the matter, I decided that Munchkin's feelings were valid. I didn't encourage her to not see Cass...but I didn't push her either. Munchkin was in the same room with her for the first time last month. I pushed the issue hopign the result wouldn't be bad but it was pretty anti-climactic. That's a whole different post, one that I definitely need to write at some point.
Munchkin still has little to no interest in Cass but she asks when she'll go do something with Raven or Morrigan. I don't understand why her feelings and comments are different; I guess I don't really know why my feelings were slightly different each time for that matter. But I wonder, would it have been different if she had met the baby shortly after she was born? Or is the difference in attitude due to the huge age difference and nothing I did could have mattered?
And I know that if I get pregnant through IVF to have Cass's sibling, things won't be different than Cass's delivery. I'll leave the hospital or birth center ASAP and the baby will go straight home with his parents. I know I can deal with the lack of transition time. It makes things a little rougher emotionally but I can cope and I expect TS won't be as bad post-birth as an adoption placement anyway. But I don't know how munchkin will feel about it or what it will mean for her relationship with Cass or her half-sibling-to-be.
...and now back to NaNoWriMo Land.
crawls up out of NaNoWriMo land...
3 comments
I saw the open adoption round table prompt #9 today and I cringed. I'm in the middle of NaNoWriMo with it's challenge of 50,000 words in 30 days and a personal challenge from a friend to make it 75,000 words in 30 days. I don't need any more writing right now. I really really don't. Any writing I do for the prompt is words that won't count toward my total for the day. But...I've done all of the prompts so far and I'm not going to hide from this one. I will, however, try to keep it short.
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The Prompt:
I've heard all of those reasons for not having a fully open adoption before. My first adoption was intended to only be semi-open with everything through the agency and only 1 mediated visit per year. that kind of all got tossed out the window after the first visit thought I didn't have identifying information on them until 2008.
All of those things sound like things adults tell themselves to rationalize the decision to keep an adoption closed or semi-open only. I think it's perfectly okay to choose a closed or semi-open adoption. "Open Adoption" is such a broad therm that no one can actually agree exactly what an open adoption looks like. And while there's plenty of research about adults in closed adoptions, there isn't so much about adults in open adoptions. It's a judgement call based on the preferences of the adults involved. When people tell me about their not-fully-open adoption, all I'm concerned about is if it works for them. Because you know what? That's what the child will pick up on most, whether everyone was comfortable with the arrangement. A good arrangement in my opinion, no matter the degree of actual openness in the present day, has the flexibility to change over the years based on the needs of the child.
I'm not bothered by the statements above if they're directed in an 'for our family, this works' way but I rarely see them that way. Mostly, they're in a belligerent way, as if anyone choosing a route different than the one those parents chose is wrong. I think we (as in parents in general) have a tendency to say, "we do this because it's the right way to do it," implying that any other way of doing things is wrong. I try to steer away from that. It creates hurt feelings and tears us apart instead of helping us to find common ground. I much prefer, "We do this because it works for us. If it didn't work, we'd try something else. And it might not work for everyone."
And my feelings about each statement in turn:
"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."
Medical histories change. New things happen all of the time that should be added into a medical history. They're not stagnant things.
As for contact later, reunion is a messy business. One of the major perks about open adoption is that it allows a child to see it as 'normal' and they don't get any big surprises as they get older. When is old enough to handle the emotional shocks of reunion? 16? 18 when they're just graduating from high school? 21 when they're in college and dealing with the pressures of being an adult on their own? Perhaps not until they're 35 and old enough to run for president?
And in this time, when they're waiting until the time is right to meet their bio-family, what if something happens to them? A sibling who dies of cancer in her teens, bio-grandparents who die of old age, bio-mom dead in a car accident. All those things can happen. Would it have been better to know them a little first hand or never have a chance to know them at all?
"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."
Do you let children choose whether or no to see their grandparents? Do you let them choose to see their cousins at the family reunion? Do you let an infant choose who will babysit them while their parents are away?
When the child is young, their parents make all kinds of decisions about who they will interact with and who they won't. A parent chooses the relatives they get to know, who the child has over for playdates, and even to some extent, who their classmates are in school (by choosing different schooling options). How is a first parent different than Aunt Sally who gives smells like cheap perfume?
If the child doesn't like Aunt Sally (hey, my daughter has some relatives she likes less than others) and can express why they don't want to interact with them, then you take their viewpoint into consideration. Sometime, you allow the child to opt out of activities with the person they dislike. Sometimes, you as a parent overrule them. Why should it be different with adoption? You (the a-parent) talk to the child and if the child becomes uncomfortable with visits as they get older, talk to them and decide what they want to do. And then talk to the first parent so they know what's up. I certainly don't want to be someone's hated Aunt Sally that they're forced to see twice a year. Talk to me and tell me how I can make it better or if it's better to back off for a while. Anything to make it work for the child as long as it's about the child and not your own insecurities.
I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like, "We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child."
"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."
How so? Or rather...how does the contact change the childhood more than the adoption does? You can't pretend that adoption closed or open does not have an effect on the child's childhood. Adoption changes things and it's not the only thing that changes a child's life. Many things change a childhood, make it better or worse for a time - death or sickness of a loved one, loss of a pet, a bad teacher or a great one, divorce or remarriage of a parent, the birth of a younger sibling, a move to a different location. But as parents, we normalize things for the child. We help them understand the changes in their life and the differences between their life and the lives of their peers. What's wrong with normalizing adoption? How does a larger extended family and more people to send birthday cards make a child's life worse?
That was longer than I planned...but I'm done. I guess I don't have a conclusion. My brain is complete mush. Go visit the roundtable to read more posts on this topic. And go visit The Office of Letters and Light to thank them for turning my brain to mush this November.
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The Prompt:
This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?--------------------------------------------------------"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them.""The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future.""Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.
The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.
What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?
I've heard all of those reasons for not having a fully open adoption before. My first adoption was intended to only be semi-open with everything through the agency and only 1 mediated visit per year. that kind of all got tossed out the window after the first visit thought I didn't have identifying information on them until 2008.
All of those things sound like things adults tell themselves to rationalize the decision to keep an adoption closed or semi-open only. I think it's perfectly okay to choose a closed or semi-open adoption. "Open Adoption" is such a broad therm that no one can actually agree exactly what an open adoption looks like. And while there's plenty of research about adults in closed adoptions, there isn't so much about adults in open adoptions. It's a judgement call based on the preferences of the adults involved. When people tell me about their not-fully-open adoption, all I'm concerned about is if it works for them. Because you know what? That's what the child will pick up on most, whether everyone was comfortable with the arrangement. A good arrangement in my opinion, no matter the degree of actual openness in the present day, has the flexibility to change over the years based on the needs of the child.
I'm not bothered by the statements above if they're directed in an 'for our family, this works' way but I rarely see them that way. Mostly, they're in a belligerent way, as if anyone choosing a route different than the one those parents chose is wrong. I think we (as in parents in general) have a tendency to say, "we do this because it's the right way to do it," implying that any other way of doing things is wrong. I try to steer away from that. It creates hurt feelings and tears us apart instead of helping us to find common ground. I much prefer, "We do this because it works for us. If it didn't work, we'd try something else. And it might not work for everyone."
And my feelings about each statement in turn:
"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."
Medical histories change. New things happen all of the time that should be added into a medical history. They're not stagnant things.
As for contact later, reunion is a messy business. One of the major perks about open adoption is that it allows a child to see it as 'normal' and they don't get any big surprises as they get older. When is old enough to handle the emotional shocks of reunion? 16? 18 when they're just graduating from high school? 21 when they're in college and dealing with the pressures of being an adult on their own? Perhaps not until they're 35 and old enough to run for president?
And in this time, when they're waiting until the time is right to meet their bio-family, what if something happens to them? A sibling who dies of cancer in her teens, bio-grandparents who die of old age, bio-mom dead in a car accident. All those things can happen. Would it have been better to know them a little first hand or never have a chance to know them at all?
"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."
Do you let children choose whether or no to see their grandparents? Do you let them choose to see their cousins at the family reunion? Do you let an infant choose who will babysit them while their parents are away?
When the child is young, their parents make all kinds of decisions about who they will interact with and who they won't. A parent chooses the relatives they get to know, who the child has over for playdates, and even to some extent, who their classmates are in school (by choosing different schooling options). How is a first parent different than Aunt Sally who gives smells like cheap perfume?
If the child doesn't like Aunt Sally (hey, my daughter has some relatives she likes less than others) and can express why they don't want to interact with them, then you take their viewpoint into consideration. Sometime, you allow the child to opt out of activities with the person they dislike. Sometimes, you as a parent overrule them. Why should it be different with adoption? You (the a-parent) talk to the child and if the child becomes uncomfortable with visits as they get older, talk to them and decide what they want to do. And then talk to the first parent so they know what's up. I certainly don't want to be someone's hated Aunt Sally that they're forced to see twice a year. Talk to me and tell me how I can make it better or if it's better to back off for a while. Anything to make it work for the child as long as it's about the child and not your own insecurities.
I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like, "We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child."
"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."
How so? Or rather...how does the contact change the childhood more than the adoption does? You can't pretend that adoption closed or open does not have an effect on the child's childhood. Adoption changes things and it's not the only thing that changes a child's life. Many things change a childhood, make it better or worse for a time - death or sickness of a loved one, loss of a pet, a bad teacher or a great one, divorce or remarriage of a parent, the birth of a younger sibling, a move to a different location. But as parents, we normalize things for the child. We help them understand the changes in their life and the differences between their life and the lives of their peers. What's wrong with normalizing adoption? How does a larger extended family and more people to send birthday cards make a child's life worse?
That was longer than I planned...but I'm done. I guess I don't have a conclusion. My brain is complete mush. Go visit the roundtable to read more posts on this topic. And go visit The Office of Letters and Light to thank them for turning my brain to mush this November.
Blogs...
3 comments
This is the 8th open adoption roundtable discussion. Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is conducting the circus. I love to get these writing prompts and I equally love to go around and read all of the responses...though I could be better about leaving comments. I'm not first this time but I probably won't be the last either. You can read the other responses here.
The Prompt: Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how.
I saw it yesterday and I considered it. And I didn't know what to write or who to pick. How can I choose one person who has influenced me the most? Does influencing me qualify as influencing the adoptions? A lot has influenced my thinking over the years. And sadly, the ones that influenced me the most early on are mostly abandoned or completely gone.
So from my blog list now, the blogs that I keep going back to:
*This Woman's Work - Dawn's blog first caught my attention because her child is old enough to share how she feels about the adoption experience and her mom writes about it. Also, since Raven is 6 and Morrigan is almost 5, Dawn's daughter Madison is at an age that I'm very interested in hearing her viewpoint, especially since Raven and Morrigan's families don't share that type of day to day discussion with me. Reading This Woman's Work and other blogs that have children old enough to discuss things as they process what adoption means, blogs where the parents do share that information, really helps me hang on. Open adoption is hard and it's okay for it to be hard. It helps to be reminded that it's not just hard for me and that there's a reason to hang on to the openness now instead of backing away and saying, "later is soon enough."
*Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One and...
*Kristen at Parenthood Path
...have both given me a lot of insight into the early part of the adoption process and the decision making that goes into it. This has influenced my thinking in a lot of different ways and hleped me gain a deeper understanding. Their influence on my adoptions is more subtle and indirect but the understanding that reading them has given me is a great gift. It has expenaded my thinking, brought me to a place I wasn't before. So thank you to them and others like them sharing the beginning of their journey so I can try to gain a greater understanding.
I have to admit that there are not many first parent blogs that I read regularly. I have a few in my reader but I rarely do more than skim them. Why? Their experience is not my experience. Their experiences are important and sometimes I sit down and focus on just those but I don't do it often because as usual, I don't seem to fit in. I've placed more than once and many of them express horror at the thought. I don't read blogs that are religion focused and many first moms turn to religion for comfort and reasons. Some new first moms are so lost in their pain that reading them pulls me back there to that place; I remember that place and I can't afford to go back there very frequently. Some are so happy and cheerful and pro-adoption that they make me sad for them, wondering when they will experince the bad. Some are so anti-adoption and full of hate that I cringe and flee with my tail between my legs. Both sets of experiences are valid and real but I'm more of a middle of the road kind of person.
And I'm equally ashamed to admit that I no longer read blogs of adults who were adopted, not with any regularity. There are none in my current feed reader. There experiences too are valuable. I used to devour those blogs when the children I placed were babies and I was trying to figure out how they would feel. Now though, I find that reading them regularly pokes at the things I'm most unsure about. I wonder and worry about how the girls will feel in 10 years or 15 or 30. Reading the blogs of adults who were adopted makes me worry more about that future that will not be here for a long time so mostly I don't read them. I have to focus on the now and the immediate future to get through my days. The decision is made and done and their feelings in 10 or 15 or 30 years are things we will just have to deal with then...
*The Great Surro Adventure by ManifestDestiny(IM) and Awesomebabymama(TS) - This last blog on my list isn't an adoption blog at all. It's a traditional surrogacy. The intended mother (IM) and the tradtional surrogate (TS) are blogging about their experience together. The TS is in her third trimester. It's amazing to see how they work together. How does this influence my adoptions? Child-centered open adoptions are about cooperation between the adults so that the child can know everyone. That isn't always easy. I look at this blog and think, "Look what they're doing," and it reminds me that cooperation is possible. I can't wait to see what happens after the baby is born.
Those are the blogs that influence me and the bloggers that make me think.
Go back to the Open Adoption Roundtable to read other posts on this topic.
The Prompt: Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how.
I saw it yesterday and I considered it. And I didn't know what to write or who to pick. How can I choose one person who has influenced me the most? Does influencing me qualify as influencing the adoptions? A lot has influenced my thinking over the years. And sadly, the ones that influenced me the most early on are mostly abandoned or completely gone.
So from my blog list now, the blogs that I keep going back to:
*This Woman's Work - Dawn's blog first caught my attention because her child is old enough to share how she feels about the adoption experience and her mom writes about it. Also, since Raven is 6 and Morrigan is almost 5, Dawn's daughter Madison is at an age that I'm very interested in hearing her viewpoint, especially since Raven and Morrigan's families don't share that type of day to day discussion with me. Reading This Woman's Work and other blogs that have children old enough to discuss things as they process what adoption means, blogs where the parents do share that information, really helps me hang on. Open adoption is hard and it's okay for it to be hard. It helps to be reminded that it's not just hard for me and that there's a reason to hang on to the openness now instead of backing away and saying, "later is soon enough."
*Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One and...
*Kristen at Parenthood Path
...have both given me a lot of insight into the early part of the adoption process and the decision making that goes into it. This has influenced my thinking in a lot of different ways and hleped me gain a deeper understanding. Their influence on my adoptions is more subtle and indirect but the understanding that reading them has given me is a great gift. It has expenaded my thinking, brought me to a place I wasn't before. So thank you to them and others like them sharing the beginning of their journey so I can try to gain a greater understanding.
I have to admit that there are not many first parent blogs that I read regularly. I have a few in my reader but I rarely do more than skim them. Why? Their experience is not my experience. Their experiences are important and sometimes I sit down and focus on just those but I don't do it often because as usual, I don't seem to fit in. I've placed more than once and many of them express horror at the thought. I don't read blogs that are religion focused and many first moms turn to religion for comfort and reasons. Some new first moms are so lost in their pain that reading them pulls me back there to that place; I remember that place and I can't afford to go back there very frequently. Some are so happy and cheerful and pro-adoption that they make me sad for them, wondering when they will experince the bad. Some are so anti-adoption and full of hate that I cringe and flee with my tail between my legs. Both sets of experiences are valid and real but I'm more of a middle of the road kind of person.
And I'm equally ashamed to admit that I no longer read blogs of adults who were adopted, not with any regularity. There are none in my current feed reader. There experiences too are valuable. I used to devour those blogs when the children I placed were babies and I was trying to figure out how they would feel. Now though, I find that reading them regularly pokes at the things I'm most unsure about. I wonder and worry about how the girls will feel in 10 years or 15 or 30. Reading the blogs of adults who were adopted makes me worry more about that future that will not be here for a long time so mostly I don't read them. I have to focus on the now and the immediate future to get through my days. The decision is made and done and their feelings in 10 or 15 or 30 years are things we will just have to deal with then...
*The Great Surro Adventure by ManifestDestiny(IM) and Awesomebabymama(TS) - This last blog on my list isn't an adoption blog at all. It's a traditional surrogacy. The intended mother (IM) and the tradtional surrogate (TS) are blogging about their experience together. The TS is in her third trimester. It's amazing to see how they work together. How does this influence my adoptions? Child-centered open adoptions are about cooperation between the adults so that the child can know everyone. That isn't always easy. I look at this blog and think, "Look what they're doing," and it reminds me that cooperation is possible. I can't wait to see what happens after the baby is born.
Those are the blogs that influence me and the bloggers that make me think.
Go back to the Open Adoption Roundtable to read other posts on this topic.
Why Today?
2 comments
I had a 9:30 am interview this morning.
What does that have to do with adoption? Shouldn't this be in the general life section?
Be patient. I had an interview this morning. It's a part time job that only pays $10 per hour but the hours are ideal and it's so close to home that I could walk there in 20 minutes. The interview was short but went well; if I want the job, I can have it and I have to decide by next Wednesday. It's a thriving small business and a very casual environment...and I know one of the people that works there.
But that's the problem. M works there. I've known M for as long as I can remember. She's my age. And she's the oldest person I have met personally that was adopted in an open adoption. She was my first positive impression of adoption in general. And I think, my first exposure to adoption at all because people tend to be hush-hush about it. M wasn't.
So why is it a problem to work with her?
I'm getting there. A bit of the story that made such an impression on me in elementary school.
M's bio-mom was young when she had M. Still in high school young. She parented for 4 months but it was just too much for her. She was going to counseling with a pastor in her church and she asked him if he knew anyone who would raise her baby. He knew an older settled couple who had done their paperwork to adopt the prior year but never showed up with a baby. And he introduced M to them the following Sunday at church. And Baby M was adopted. My grandmother goes to that church and she told me the story sometimes when I was puzzled by M's family.
M had a mom and dad where she lived. And beyond the big glass doors in the dining room, her elderly grandparents lived. (I know now that that space is called an in-law apartment sometimes. It had a small kitchen, a living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom that were all set up for wheelchair use because her grandmother was in a wheelchair. I remember because M's life made a big impression on me back then.) But M had another mom who came to play with us. That mom was younger even than my own mother (who had me when she was 17) and seemed more like a big sister. M was an only child but in junior high, the other mom had a baby. The baby didn't live with M but M called him her baby brother. I was confused and when M tried to explain, sometimes I was more confused but M's parents or my grandmother explained as best they could and usually unconfused me.
M never seemed confused. She was happy with her extra family members and her life in general. I frequently envied her. She had lots of things that I didn't. If my mom had found a second set of parents for me, maybe I would have those things too. And I wouldn't miss my mom because I could still see her, like M did.
Oh how that must have hurt my mother...
Back to the point...
I'm still friends with M. We're in and out of contact; we'll be inseparable for 2-3 months and then we'll back away and not be in contact for 5-6 months. I think the contact wanes because our friendship is uneasy now, for both of us but more so for me because she's a cheerful extrovert and I'm very introverted. I don't usually like to have the places that hurt most poked at. And M can't help but poke them. I need breaks from her.
She's fascinated with my experiences as a b-mom. And I'm fascinated with her perspective on her childhood growing up adopted and in her current relationship with both of her families. But when she contacted me on Monday telling me that her dad had called her because my grandmother mentioned I was looking for a job. And M knew there was an opening where she worked.
But if I work with her, there will be no easy way to back away if one of us pushes too far. No where to retreat and lick my wounds when things get rough. We sound like adversaries, not friends when I write it that way. We're friends. But sometimes friends can hurt too. It's easier to deal with some comments from strangers than from friends.
Am I a coward for not wanting to work with her? To not want to have those big emotional conversations that we can't seem to avoid?
What does that have to do with adoption? Shouldn't this be in the general life section?
Be patient. I had an interview this morning. It's a part time job that only pays $10 per hour but the hours are ideal and it's so close to home that I could walk there in 20 minutes. The interview was short but went well; if I want the job, I can have it and I have to decide by next Wednesday. It's a thriving small business and a very casual environment...and I know one of the people that works there.
But that's the problem. M works there. I've known M for as long as I can remember. She's my age. And she's the oldest person I have met personally that was adopted in an open adoption. She was my first positive impression of adoption in general. And I think, my first exposure to adoption at all because people tend to be hush-hush about it. M wasn't.
So why is it a problem to work with her?
I'm getting there. A bit of the story that made such an impression on me in elementary school.
M's bio-mom was young when she had M. Still in high school young. She parented for 4 months but it was just too much for her. She was going to counseling with a pastor in her church and she asked him if he knew anyone who would raise her baby. He knew an older settled couple who had done their paperwork to adopt the prior year but never showed up with a baby. And he introduced M to them the following Sunday at church. And Baby M was adopted. My grandmother goes to that church and she told me the story sometimes when I was puzzled by M's family.
M had a mom and dad where she lived. And beyond the big glass doors in the dining room, her elderly grandparents lived. (I know now that that space is called an in-law apartment sometimes. It had a small kitchen, a living room, a bedroom, and a bathroom that were all set up for wheelchair use because her grandmother was in a wheelchair. I remember because M's life made a big impression on me back then.) But M had another mom who came to play with us. That mom was younger even than my own mother (who had me when she was 17) and seemed more like a big sister. M was an only child but in junior high, the other mom had a baby. The baby didn't live with M but M called him her baby brother. I was confused and when M tried to explain, sometimes I was more confused but M's parents or my grandmother explained as best they could and usually unconfused me.
M never seemed confused. She was happy with her extra family members and her life in general. I frequently envied her. She had lots of things that I didn't. If my mom had found a second set of parents for me, maybe I would have those things too. And I wouldn't miss my mom because I could still see her, like M did.
Oh how that must have hurt my mother...
Back to the point...
I'm still friends with M. We're in and out of contact; we'll be inseparable for 2-3 months and then we'll back away and not be in contact for 5-6 months. I think the contact wanes because our friendship is uneasy now, for both of us but more so for me because she's a cheerful extrovert and I'm very introverted. I don't usually like to have the places that hurt most poked at. And M can't help but poke them. I need breaks from her.
She's fascinated with my experiences as a b-mom. And I'm fascinated with her perspective on her childhood growing up adopted and in her current relationship with both of her families. But when she contacted me on Monday telling me that her dad had called her because my grandmother mentioned I was looking for a job. And M knew there was an opening where she worked.
But if I work with her, there will be no easy way to back away if one of us pushes too far. No where to retreat and lick my wounds when things get rough. We sound like adversaries, not friends when I write it that way. We're friends. But sometimes friends can hurt too. It's easier to deal with some comments from strangers than from friends.
Am I a coward for not wanting to work with her? To not want to have those big emotional conversations that we can't seem to avoid?
Happier Thoughts
0 comments
I wrote this back in August:
I need to let the bad things go and concentrate on the good.
Yes, I have been feeling confused and hurt by the recent contact issues with Raven's family but contact was good for a while and contact will be good at some point again in the future. Right now, for whatever reason, they've backed off. And I'll give them their space so I don't stress them out because happy people are the best parents and that's what Raven needs them to be. They know where to find me if they want to renew the contact. I'm not going anywhere. It's a rough patch, that's all.
Morrigan's family is keeping to their usual amount of contact. That's not a lot because they live far away. I don't think we'll visit this year. They usually come here in November but I have a very busy November planned with NaNoWriMo, a FET for the surrogacy, and of course the family Thanksgiving circus. I don't want them to potentially be here when I have to be runing back and forth for monitoring or on bedrest and I honestly don't need the stress of a visit while I'm in the 2ww. Instead, we'll probably travel to visit them (something the b-father has done but I have not) early next year. It's a long drive but I wouldn't have to go alone.
And my relationship with Miss Cass's family seems to be okay despite the miscarriage last month. I'm always least sure how to deal with them, which is silly since I feel like I know them the best. I'll see them this weekend. Tomorrow actually. Is it a visit? I don't know? I guess so because Cass and her mom will be here...but it doesn't feel like a formal "visit" you know?
That might not make sense. Let me explain: Cass's family lives in one part of the state I'm in. A mutual friend of ours lives on the opposite side of the state. I'm in the middle and they decided to meet here for the weekend. Jess is bringing Cass. And the other woman is bringing her 5-year-old daughter. And we all might get together a few times this weekend and do things and talk. Probably a lot of talking. It doesn't feel high pressure like an official visit. It just sounds like friends getting together, fun.
Even other b-moms tell you about the good things. They assure you that it gets easier with time. That the relationship with your child's parents will improve. That they'll keep their promises. We tell you the same things we tell ourselves, the things we have to believe to keep going.
I need to let the bad things go and concentrate on the good.
Yes, I have been feeling confused and hurt by the recent contact issues with Raven's family but contact was good for a while and contact will be good at some point again in the future. Right now, for whatever reason, they've backed off. And I'll give them their space so I don't stress them out because happy people are the best parents and that's what Raven needs them to be. They know where to find me if they want to renew the contact. I'm not going anywhere. It's a rough patch, that's all.
Morrigan's family is keeping to their usual amount of contact. That's not a lot because they live far away. I don't think we'll visit this year. They usually come here in November but I have a very busy November planned with NaNoWriMo, a FET for the surrogacy, and of course the family Thanksgiving circus. I don't want them to potentially be here when I have to be runing back and forth for monitoring or on bedrest and I honestly don't need the stress of a visit while I'm in the 2ww. Instead, we'll probably travel to visit them (something the b-father has done but I have not) early next year. It's a long drive but I wouldn't have to go alone.
And my relationship with Miss Cass's family seems to be okay despite the miscarriage last month. I'm always least sure how to deal with them, which is silly since I feel like I know them the best. I'll see them this weekend. Tomorrow actually. Is it a visit? I don't know? I guess so because Cass and her mom will be here...but it doesn't feel like a formal "visit" you know?
That might not make sense. Let me explain: Cass's family lives in one part of the state I'm in. A mutual friend of ours lives on the opposite side of the state. I'm in the middle and they decided to meet here for the weekend. Jess is bringing Cass. And the other woman is bringing her 5-year-old daughter. And we all might get together a few times this weekend and do things and talk. Probably a lot of talking. It doesn't feel high pressure like an official visit. It just sounds like friends getting together, fun.
because I can't say it anywhere else...
4 comments
I'm going to write this here because I don't feel that I can say it anywhere else. I need to get it out somewhere. And then, I'm going to let the feelings go and use the wonderful ignore feature so I won't be tempted to read what I know upsets me. Because it doesn't have anything to do with me.
The Facts
I know a person from a message board. We're also facebook friends. I don't even really know her well. I've never met her in person.
She adopted a baby. The baby was born three weeks ago and the bio-parents signed TPR. Baby went home with the woman that I know. The state laws involved allow 30 days post TPR for the bio-parents to revoke their consent to the adoption. If that happens, the adoptive parents have to give the baby back.
The bio-parents revoked their consent after 3 weeks.
Calm Reflection
Intellectually, I understand that this must hurt the a-parents a lot. It's a risk they knew about and lived with.
Some agencies provide foster care for the revocation period so that the a-parents are spared the potential pain. I moved on to a different agency when I heard that they followed that practice. I didn't want my child in foster care or cradle care or whatever they called it. Not for one minute. I suspect many e-moms feel the same way when they hear about the possibility.
I live in one of those states that allows 30 days post-TPR to revoke consent. I never did. I hurt. I was an emotional mess. I can't begin to describe the way I felt in that time period post-birth. But through all of that, I still felt that the decision each time was the right one. For me and my family and the baby. that's how you get through the pain and the grief and teh guilt; you have to truely believe it's the best thing for everyone. I let TPR stand. And I refuse to regret it. I regret the circumstances, a little, but not my choice. Looking back, I would do it again.
I don't know the b-mom but...
This other b-mom didn't realize how bad the pain would be. After TPR she tried to deal with her feelings and her hormones. And she looked at her choice. You look it at it with new eyes when the baby is gone and your milk has come in. And she considered. And she decided that adoption wasn't the best choice for her. That things might be hard but she could do it. Maybe she discovered that she would have more support from her family or the father than she had expected. Maybe she learned about programs available to help her. Or maybe she was unemployed and found a great job. Maybe she just couldn't live with the pain and the guilt of placing and wanted her baby. Her Baby.
The irrational emotional stuff from me...
I understand that the a-parents are grieving for the baby they have loved and taken care of for three weeks. But the b-mom loved and took care of the baby for 9 months while baby grew and kicked inside of her. Who are the a-parents to say that their claim of 3 weeks is greater than 9 months? I'm not saying that they weren't good parents. I'm sure they were and will be for their future child if they choose to continue down the adoption path.
And I know that the people who are sympathizing for the a-mom and telling her that teh b-mom is an evil terrible person are just trying to offer support. But it makes me angry. IT upsets me. And I feel irrationally protective of this unknown b-mom. It pulls at my heart strings and makes me want to lash out at the people who are attacking this woman that they don't know and they don't know what it's like to place a baby for adoption. Who are they to say that the b-mom is a bad person for realizing that she can take care of the baby and exercising her legal right to revoke consent?
The b-mom made the best choice she could for herself and the baby. When she thought the best thing was to place for adoption, she was a saint. When she realized that adoption wasn't necessary and the best thing for ther and her baby, they attack her and call her selfish. I hate the faceless them that condemn her for wanting to raise her child herself.
More Calm Reflection
I don't know if the b-mom actually made the right choice; who am I to decide that?
When someone adopts, I'm happy for them and their new family. I might feel a twinge of concern for the b-parents but I know that I can't take on all the burdens of the world.
I was sorry to hear that their child wan't actually going to be theirs forever. I'm sympethetic. I do know that the a-parents love the baby and will grieve. I'm sure it sucks. I've been there when my child went home with someone else so I'm sure sending their baby back to the bio-mom will be hard for them.
I won't play the my pain is worse than your pain game. There's no logical measurable way to compare emotions. No matter what the choice, someone hurts when adoption is involved. The b-parents might hurt because someone else is raising their baby or maybe the a-parents hurt because b-mom decided she couldn't live with that and revoked her consent.
The a-parents can grieve. I'm sorry for their loss and pain. But that doesn't give them or anyone else the right to say that the bio-parents are wrong, evil, terrible, or selfish for revoking consent. They went through legal channels and exercised their rights.
I firmly believe that a resonable revocation period is essential to ethical adoption practices. How can bio-parents really make the choice to place until the baby is born and they know what it's like to have a baby and lose her? The revocation period allows bio-parents a chance to really know what it will be like and gives them a chance to decide if adoption is really best for them.
I do not believe that bio-parents considering adoption should make any choices based on the adoptive parents feelings. They should not consider how much the a-parents want a child and have waited for a child when they're looking for the right match for them. If they match and decide not to place at birth, they should not consider that the potential a-parents will hurt. If they realize after TPR but within the revocation period that adoption was not the right decision for their family, they should not feel guilty because the a-parents will hurt. They should consider only what they feel is best for themselves and the baby. Nothing else.
And that's all I'm going to say. Block. Ignore. I'm not going back to read more about the situation. There are other things I should be doing but I read the responses this morning and I had to get my feelings out.
------
Edited to add:
I wrote about this specific situation before, when the b-mom was 9 weeks along and I was outraged that everyone was congratulating her on the decision to place.
And I found the story from the b-mom's point of view here on A.com
And you really don't want to hear what the surrogates on SMO are saying about the bio-mom. I don't care that it was a long match (which isn't usually a good idea anyway) and the baby was "promised" to the a-parents. I don't care about the b-mom's personal situation. As long as she isn't abusive, it is her right to decide to parent her own child. This was NOT a surrogacy gone wrong. It was an adoption plan, and it went the way adoption plans sometimes do, into the round file.
The Facts
I know a person from a message board. We're also facebook friends. I don't even really know her well. I've never met her in person.
She adopted a baby. The baby was born three weeks ago and the bio-parents signed TPR. Baby went home with the woman that I know. The state laws involved allow 30 days post TPR for the bio-parents to revoke their consent to the adoption. If that happens, the adoptive parents have to give the baby back.
The bio-parents revoked their consent after 3 weeks.
Calm Reflection
Intellectually, I understand that this must hurt the a-parents a lot. It's a risk they knew about and lived with.
Some agencies provide foster care for the revocation period so that the a-parents are spared the potential pain. I moved on to a different agency when I heard that they followed that practice. I didn't want my child in foster care or cradle care or whatever they called it. Not for one minute. I suspect many e-moms feel the same way when they hear about the possibility.
I live in one of those states that allows 30 days post-TPR to revoke consent. I never did. I hurt. I was an emotional mess. I can't begin to describe the way I felt in that time period post-birth. But through all of that, I still felt that the decision each time was the right one. For me and my family and the baby. that's how you get through the pain and the grief and teh guilt; you have to truely believe it's the best thing for everyone. I let TPR stand. And I refuse to regret it. I regret the circumstances, a little, but not my choice. Looking back, I would do it again.
I don't know the b-mom but...
This other b-mom didn't realize how bad the pain would be. After TPR she tried to deal with her feelings and her hormones. And she looked at her choice. You look it at it with new eyes when the baby is gone and your milk has come in. And she considered. And she decided that adoption wasn't the best choice for her. That things might be hard but she could do it. Maybe she discovered that she would have more support from her family or the father than she had expected. Maybe she learned about programs available to help her. Or maybe she was unemployed and found a great job. Maybe she just couldn't live with the pain and the guilt of placing and wanted her baby. Her Baby.
The irrational emotional stuff from me...
I understand that the a-parents are grieving for the baby they have loved and taken care of for three weeks. But the b-mom loved and took care of the baby for 9 months while baby grew and kicked inside of her. Who are the a-parents to say that their claim of 3 weeks is greater than 9 months? I'm not saying that they weren't good parents. I'm sure they were and will be for their future child if they choose to continue down the adoption path.
And I know that the people who are sympathizing for the a-mom and telling her that teh b-mom is an evil terrible person are just trying to offer support. But it makes me angry. IT upsets me. And I feel irrationally protective of this unknown b-mom. It pulls at my heart strings and makes me want to lash out at the people who are attacking this woman that they don't know and they don't know what it's like to place a baby for adoption. Who are they to say that the b-mom is a bad person for realizing that she can take care of the baby and exercising her legal right to revoke consent?
The b-mom made the best choice she could for herself and the baby. When she thought the best thing was to place for adoption, she was a saint. When she realized that adoption wasn't necessary and the best thing for ther and her baby, they attack her and call her selfish. I hate the faceless them that condemn her for wanting to raise her child herself.
More Calm Reflection
I don't know if the b-mom actually made the right choice; who am I to decide that?
When someone adopts, I'm happy for them and their new family. I might feel a twinge of concern for the b-parents but I know that I can't take on all the burdens of the world.
I was sorry to hear that their child wan't actually going to be theirs forever. I'm sympethetic. I do know that the a-parents love the baby and will grieve. I'm sure it sucks. I've been there when my child went home with someone else so I'm sure sending their baby back to the bio-mom will be hard for them.
I won't play the my pain is worse than your pain game. There's no logical measurable way to compare emotions. No matter what the choice, someone hurts when adoption is involved. The b-parents might hurt because someone else is raising their baby or maybe the a-parents hurt because b-mom decided she couldn't live with that and revoked her consent.
The a-parents can grieve. I'm sorry for their loss and pain. But that doesn't give them or anyone else the right to say that the bio-parents are wrong, evil, terrible, or selfish for revoking consent. They went through legal channels and exercised their rights.
I firmly believe that a resonable revocation period is essential to ethical adoption practices. How can bio-parents really make the choice to place until the baby is born and they know what it's like to have a baby and lose her? The revocation period allows bio-parents a chance to really know what it will be like and gives them a chance to decide if adoption is really best for them.
I do not believe that bio-parents considering adoption should make any choices based on the adoptive parents feelings. They should not consider how much the a-parents want a child and have waited for a child when they're looking for the right match for them. If they match and decide not to place at birth, they should not consider that the potential a-parents will hurt. If they realize after TPR but within the revocation period that adoption was not the right decision for their family, they should not feel guilty because the a-parents will hurt. They should consider only what they feel is best for themselves and the baby. Nothing else.
And that's all I'm going to say. Block. Ignore. I'm not going back to read more about the situation. There are other things I should be doing but I read the responses this morning and I had to get my feelings out.
------
Edited to add:
I wrote about this specific situation before, when the b-mom was 9 weeks along and I was outraged that everyone was congratulating her on the decision to place.
And I found the story from the b-mom's point of view here on A.com
And you really don't want to hear what the surrogates on SMO are saying about the bio-mom. I don't care that it was a long match (which isn't usually a good idea anyway) and the baby was "promised" to the a-parents. I don't care about the b-mom's personal situation. As long as she isn't abusive, it is her right to decide to parent her own child. This was NOT a surrogacy gone wrong. It was an adoption plan, and it went the way adoption plans sometimes do, into the round file.
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