uh...

Visit scheduled for after the holiday madness. Am I crazy? I guess we'll see in a few months...

Birthdays (OART #10)

First, to understand my feelings about birthdays in general, you should understand that when I was growing up, we didn't make a big deal about birthdays. They weren't a particularly important part of our lives and I just plain don't understand making a big fuss about them.

For the daughter that I'm parenting, we do a party for her and her friends...but we don't go crazy. I tend to pick party packages that are 90 minutes-2 hours long and in places where they provide everything from pizza to cake to entertainment. It's acknowledged and celebrated but not exceptionally important.

For the other girls it's gone from not very important to important but in a negative and painful way. I remember them and think of them then of course but the feelings are darker than other times of the year. Yes, they were born and I got to meet them for the first time...but I also had to make that final fateful decision, had to sign TPR papers, had to say goodbye and walk away. Some years, I've sent stuff and some years I haven't. The years I haven't...it's not that I don't care. It's that their birthdays are hard for me. It's that picking out a birthday card that's suitably neutral and inoffensive is emotionally exhausting for me. It's not simple. Nothing is simple. If I send something will it even matter to them? If I don't, would they even care?

For the most part, over the years, I've just not done birthdays. I curl up, safe in my own bed, and hide from the world. I want to send something but at the same time, I don't. Because I'm already emotionally raw. Sorting through cards and finding one that's acceptable to me and hopefully not offensive to their parents is hard in the best of times and at birthdays, when I already feel the worst, I just don't feel like I can cope. So mostly, I'm a coward about it. It hurts so I don't poke at it. And that's been easy because Raven's parents have never suggested that my presence at birthday time would be welcome and Morigan's family is too far away for a day trip to be practical. But things are changing. I can't hide from birthdays as easily anymore.

Last year, I almost went to Cass's first birthday party. I was invited and I planned to go but Dawn was sick so I didn't. I don't know what that would have been like.

And this year, on Morrigan's birthday, Dawn wanted to call...so we did. It was a short call and I managed not to cry during it but I cried for an hours after and pretty much crashed for the weekend.

I have no idea what the next round of birthdays will bring. I'm afraid to find out. And so I'll shove the subject back into it's box and lock it tight until I absolutely have to consider it again. I have a few months reprieve until Cass turns two.

Go to Production, Not Reproduction to read the other Open Adoption Roundtable #10 entries.

Happy Birthday!

Morrigan's birthday was this week. She's 5 years old now. It's almost a full year since I've seen her, primarily because she lives in a different state a very long drive away from here.

Her parents contacted me early in October and wanted to plan to come here sometime in November. I told them that they could come and that I'd try to make time to see them but that I really didn't have time this November for a visit. I have a lot going on, more than last year at this time. There was a distinct chance that they'd be here and I'd be running back and forth to Bryn Mawr for RE appointments or stuck somewhere on bedrest post-transfer. That wouldn't have made for a great visit. They accepted my refusal and invited me to come up there whenever I have time. Time isn't the problem. Money is the problem.

I contacted them a few days prior to Morrigan's birthday to ask when it would be okay to call that day in case they had plans that shouldn't be interrupted. I sent her mom a text message. Usually, I don't initiate contact with them. I certainly don't call or send texts out of the blue. What if they thought I was intruding? I used to not contact them at all. And then for a while, I did contact them fairly frequently and they seemed to welcome the contact but I became uncomfortable with it and stopped. At least, for the most part, I don't have to wonder if she'd welcome contact. I know that they do...but sometimes they push for more contact than I'm comfortable with. Not visits because they're far away but other types of contact.

Morrigan's mom responded quickly to my text, assuring me that I could call anytime on Morrigan's birthday. She even sent me a Halloween picture. Very cute. She told me that they had been talking about me last week. And about the stuffed animal that's now 4 years old and still well-loved who had ended up going on a couple of outings because Morrigan wouldn't be parted from it. Interesting...

Then a few days passed and it was phone call time. Not easy for me but Munchkin chatted happily enough with Morrigan. It was only a 10-minute phone call but it tossed me deep into the pit.

It doesn't matter how I feel. I have to get dressed. I have to shower. I have to keep moving because to give in and just try to sleep my life away doesn't do me any good. Does Munchkin not feel this? She's all full of, "So when can I talk to her again?" And all I can think is, "Do we have to call again?" It's good that the contact makes her happy and not sad. It is. But it's hard for me to cope with her happiness on top of my feelings that are the exact opposite. Luckily, she has a long weekend with parent teacher conferences and had already planned to spend it with her grandparents. Hopefully, I can find some sort of equilibrium before she comes home.

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It's a few days later and I still feel mentally drained and emotionally raw. I'm going to go crawl into bed and stay there for a while. I usually don't do birthday calls for a reason. Birthdays are HARD. Why make them any worse for myself. But Munchkin wanted the call and so, I put myself through the torture. I wonder if the call made a difference to Morrigan. She was cheerful on the phone but in a few years, will it matter that we called on her birthday? Is is something that should be continued once started? Maybe I'm over thinking things... One day at a time.

I need ice cream...

...but we don't have any in the house. I've already crumbled for the day and sought refuge in my bed. Too much this week. I feel like someone picked me up and tossed me headlong into the pit of despair. Nothing is good. Nothing will ever be good again. The amount of willpower it took for me to get out of bed, shower, and get through my day was not at all pretty. I spent some time in the sun this afternoon. Not a lot but hopefully enough. I'll try again tomorrow too.

I told Raven's mom that my original decision stands. I'm at her beck and call. I'll visit or not visit. I'll call or not call. I'll send things by postal mail or not. Her choice, just tell me what to do. She can hurt me if she wants to; she's quite good at it after 6 years of practice, I assure you. She can't hurt Dawn. I stand as the shield.

If she intends to have sibling contact, she needs to pick a schedule and commit to it. If the lack of contact with Dawn hurts Raven, so be it. You can't see the tears as I write it. I hate needing to make that decision. But it's the only decision I can make and live with myself. Raven has other parents. Dawn has only us.

If Raven's parents change their mind and decide to commit to a schedule, I'm open to allowing the contact with Dawn. Until then, they'll have to figure out how to explain it to their daughter. I'll probably end up being the bad guy, the one who won't allow contact. That's fine. I can live with that role.

The problem is communication. I can understand if they needed a break from contact. I can empathize with trying to take a child's preferences into account. I never want to have contact that Raven's parents don't feel is in her best interest. What I need is communication. If you're stopping visits, tell me why so I can try to explain that to my daughter. If Raven no longer wants to draw pictures to send in response to Dawn's letters, that's fine...just shoot me a freakin' email and let me know, so I can tell her what's going on. Don't leave my little girl waiting and wondering and more upset every day the anticipated mail doesn't come.

You know, it didn't seem as bad when it was only me that was hurting from the erratic contact. Sometimes it felt like I deserved to hurt. But Dawn didnt' do anything. And she's noticed now. She was hurt and upset. And she's old enough that she'll remember. It had an impact on her. And I can't allow them to continue to hurt her.

It's not that I don't care how this decision of mine might effect Raven. I care. It's tearing me apart inside. But what else could I do?

grrr and arg...

I guess anyone who has been following along knows that I've been having issues with contact with Raven's parents. Namely, they have been very inconsistent.

Back at the end of September, Raven's mom sent me a chatty email after a long silence. And after a few days to ponder and rewrite my response, I replied. And then she was silent again.

This morning, I had another email from her asking about the possibility of a visit. I already did the debating and hand wringing and deciding last month. There will be no contact between Dawn and Raven unless Raven's mom is willing to set a schedule and stick to it. I don't care what that schedule consists of (visits, just acceptable times to send mail, phone calls, any pattern she'd like) as long as she's willing to stick to it. Her lack of consistency is hurting my daughter, the Munchkin that I parent, and it is unacceptable to me. The first father (my current SO) is disgusted by the lack of contact because he sees it hurting us and wants nothing to do with them. I will remain available for any contact they'd like but I won't involve Munchkin. With the decision already made last month, it was easy to reply immediately to her email.

I received a phone call from Raven's mom at lunchtime. It was the fastest response I've ever gotten from her.

"But Raven wants to see Dawn too," she said.

I'm sorry. I really really am. And Dawn would also like to see Raven. But when she drops out of contact, it hurts and upsets all of us. I don't object to wanting time to themselves. I don't object to not having any visits at all if she doesn't feel they're in Raven's best interests. But she has to tell me what's going on. She can't just ignore me for 10 months and then demand a visit out of nowhere. If Raven doesn't want to see us, that's fine, but it shouldn't stop Raven's mom from at least sending me a short email to let me know why contact is stopping.

I asked if she was willing to set up some sort of schedule or plan for contact.

They are not. They are not willing to commit to any type of schedule now that Raven is older. They don't know when or if Raven will want visits in the future.

I'm sorry to hear that but Raven isn't the only child involved in this. Munchkin is involved too and it hurts Munchkin not to know when or if there will be contact.

She says she's trying to do what's best for Raven; Raven is her daughter.

That's fine. Munchkin is my daughter, the only one that I'm parenting. I have the same right to do what I feel is best for her that Raven's mom has to make those choices for Raven.

But Raven wants to see Dawn. And Raven's mom has agreed that a visit would be okay and in Raven's best interests since she wants it so much. Raven's best interests are for her mother to decide. Am I going to go against what Raven's mother thinks are in her best interests?

Raven isn't the only child involved. Raven's mom can't decide what's best for Dawn. That is for me to do and I feel that inconsistent contact is worse than no contact at Dawn's current age and maturity level.

The conversation got a little heated. I was shaking by the time it finished. In the end, I agreed to take a couple of days to think and discuss things with first father and re-evaluate based on Raven's current desire to see Dawn. I promised that I'd call or email her no matter what my decision by Friday. But I wouldn't promise that my viewpoint will change or that I'd allow the contact.

I am seriously stressed out by this. It all seemed so clear but after the phone call my feelings were muddy again. What am I supposed to do? How can I choose the welfare of one child over the welfare of the other? Why is it that I have to weigh and consider both Raven and Dawn's feelings but Raven's mom refuses to consider how Dawn might feel or just plain doesn't care?

adjustments...

I was reading a post on SMO. Adoption and surrogacy are different. Some people think they have nothing in common but I think traditional surrogacy has at least a few things in common with adoption.

In the post, the intended mother mentions that her TS has asked them to stay for at least a week post-birth before going home. And some experienced surrogates offer their experiences with the post-birth time. And it made me think of the differences between the post-birth times of the three adoptions.

With Raven, everyone came to the hospital, friends, family, and even my daughter who was almost but not quite two years old. There were tons of pictures. The hopeful a-parents visited for a short while but not in an intrusive way. It was the first time I met them. I wonder, looking back if our relationship wodul be different if I had known them during the pregnancy, gotten to know them as people and given them a chance to know me before Raven was involved. Shrug. We can't change the past. I left the hospital and didnt' see the baby for almost a full year except a few pictures sent through the agency. Munchkin was too young then to really understand or remember but she can see the pictures of her with Raven if she wants to.

With Morrigan, I got to know her parents a little and they were definitely too much of a presence in the hospital. I've written about that before. But after the hospital, they stayed in the area for about a week waiting for some sort of permission to cross state lines (ICPC?). We visited in their hotel room. They took tons of pictures of us with the baby and of Munchkin with the baby especially. Munchkin was 3 then. I don't know if she remembers the event or if she remembers us telling the story to her of visiting with Morrigan but she remembers something. It helped my adjustment a lot to have that time. To see the baby with her parents and solidify the decision. I crashed the least after Morrigan's delivery. I wonder if the extra time was the reason...or maybe it was because Morrigan's mom seemed to instinctively hit on the right amount of contact, not too much or too little.

With Cass, I didn't have anyone in the hospital except Cass's parents. Munchkin was six and a half. She was nervous about visiting the hospital. And I had the tubal ligation the day after delivery so I was busy recovering from abdominal surgery, no matter how minor. So I didn't want her to come...and I didn't let anyone else come either except my SO (the first father) and Cass's parents. Cass's parents took her straight home since they are in the state. And in the week or two following delivery, when Munchkin was interested in the baby, I discouraged it. Well...not so much discouraged the interest though it did poke at raw emotions but more discouraged the want to visit; I didnt' want to intrude on the new family. But the time we did have an invitation to visit them, Munchkin had passe from curiousity about her new sibling to not wanting anythign to do with her. At first, she didn't want to even see pictures. And we hadn't taken any of her with Cass becasue they hadn't been together.

Weeks turned into months. And Munchkin still wanted nothing to do with her. Months turned into a year and Munchkin continued to refuse to visit. Remember in my last post how I mentioned that I didn't want to be anyone's hated Aunt Sally, an obligation that they'd rather avoid? And with Munchkin old enough to make her feelings known about seeing Cass then and Cass too young to have an opinion on the matter, I decided that Munchkin's feelings were valid. I didn't encourage her to not see Cass...but I didn't push her either. Munchkin was in the same room with her for the first time last month. I pushed the issue hopign the result wouldn't be bad but it was pretty anti-climactic. That's a whole different post, one that I definitely need to write at some point.

Munchkin still has little to no interest in Cass but she asks when she'll go do something with Raven or Morrigan. I don't understand why her feelings and comments are different; I guess I don't really know why my feelings were slightly different each time for that matter. But I wonder, would it have been different if she had met the baby shortly after she was born? Or is the difference in attitude due to the huge age difference and nothing I did could have mattered?

And I know that if I get pregnant through IVF to have Cass's sibling, things won't be different than Cass's delivery. I'll leave the hospital or birth center ASAP and the baby will go straight home with his parents. I know I can deal with the lack of transition time. It makes things a little rougher emotionally but I can cope and I expect TS won't be as bad post-birth as an adoption placement anyway. But I don't know how munchkin will feel about it or what it will mean for her relationship with Cass or her half-sibling-to-be.

...and now back to NaNoWriMo Land.

crawls up out of NaNoWriMo land...

I saw the open adoption round table prompt #9 today and I cringed. I'm in the middle of NaNoWriMo with it's challenge of 50,000 words in 30 days and a personal challenge from a friend to make it 75,000 words in 30 days. I don't need any more writing right now. I really really don't. Any writing I do for the prompt is words that won't count toward my total for the day. But...I've done all of the prompts so far and I'm not going to hide from this one. I will, however, try to keep it short.
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The Prompt:

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

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I've heard all of those reasons for not having a fully open adoption before. My first adoption was intended to only be semi-open with everything through the agency and only 1 mediated visit per year. that kind of all got tossed out the window after the first visit thought I didn't have identifying information on them until 2008.

All of those things sound like things adults tell themselves to rationalize the decision to keep an adoption closed or semi-open only. I think it's perfectly okay to choose a closed or semi-open adoption. "Open Adoption" is such a broad therm that no one can actually agree exactly what an open adoption looks like. And while there's plenty of research about adults in closed adoptions, there isn't so much about adults in open adoptions. It's a judgement call based on the preferences of the adults involved. When people tell me about their not-fully-open adoption, all I'm concerned about is if it works for them. Because you know what? That's what the child will pick up on most, whether everyone was comfortable with the arrangement. A good arrangement in my opinion, no matter the degree of actual openness in the present day, has the flexibility to change over the years based on the needs of the child.

I'm not bothered by the statements above if they're directed in an 'for our family, this works' way but I rarely see them that way. Mostly, they're in a belligerent way, as if anyone choosing a route different than the one those parents chose is wrong. I think we (as in parents in general) have a tendency to say, "we do this because it's the right way to do it," implying that any other way of doing things is wrong. I try to steer away from that. It creates hurt feelings and tears us apart instead of helping us to find common ground. I much prefer, "We do this because it works for us. If it didn't work, we'd try something else. And it might not work for everyone."

And my feelings about each statement in turn:
"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

Medical histories change. New things happen all of the time that should be added into a medical history. They're not stagnant things.

As for contact later, reunion is a messy business. One of the major perks about open adoption is that it allows a child to see it as 'normal' and they don't get any big surprises as they get older. When is old enough to handle the emotional shocks of reunion? 16? 18 when they're just graduating from high school? 21 when they're in college and dealing with the pressures of being an adult on their own? Perhaps not until they're 35 and old enough to run for president?

And in this time, when they're waiting until the time is right to meet their bio-family, what if something happens to them? A sibling who dies of cancer in her teens, bio-grandparents who die of old age, bio-mom dead in a car accident. All those things can happen. Would it have been better to know them a little first hand or never have a chance to know them at all?

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

Do you let children choose whether or no to see their grandparents? Do you let them choose to see their cousins at the family reunion? Do you let an infant choose who will babysit them while their parents are away?

When the child is young, their parents make all kinds of decisions about who they will interact with and who they won't. A parent chooses the relatives they get to know, who the child has over for playdates, and even to some extent, who their classmates are in school (by choosing different schooling options). How is a first parent different than Aunt Sally who gives smells like cheap perfume?

If the child doesn't like Aunt Sally (hey, my daughter has some relatives she likes less than others) and can express why they don't want to interact with them, then you take their viewpoint into consideration. Sometime, you allow the child to opt out of activities with the person they dislike. Sometimes, you as a parent overrule them. Why should it be different with adoption? You (the a-parent) talk to the child and if the child becomes uncomfortable with visits as they get older, talk to them and decide what they want to do. And then talk to the first parent so they know what's up. I certainly don't want to be someone's hated Aunt Sally that they're forced to see twice a year. Talk to me and tell me how I can make it better or if it's better to back off for a while. Anything to make it work for the child as long as it's about the child and not your own insecurities.

I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like, "We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

How so? Or rather...how does the contact change the childhood more than the adoption does? You can't pretend that adoption closed or open does not have an effect on the child's childhood. Adoption changes things and it's not the only thing that changes a child's life. Many things change a childhood, make it better or worse for a time - death or sickness of a loved one, loss of a pet, a bad teacher or a great one, divorce or remarriage of a parent, the birth of a younger sibling, a move to a different location. But as parents, we normalize things for the child. We help them understand the changes in their life and the differences between their life and the lives of their peers. What's wrong with normalizing adoption? How does a larger extended family and more people to send birthday cards make a child's life worse?

That was longer than I planned...but I'm done. I guess I don't have a conclusion. My brain is complete mush. Go visit the roundtable to read more posts on this topic. And go visit The Office of Letters and Light to thank them for turning my brain to mush this November.