Moving...

I moved this blog to wordpress.  Why?  On wordpress, I can password protect individual posts...with different passwords even.  It gives me an amazing amount of control over who reads what. 

You can visit me:  http://heartshards.wordpress.com/  
I moved everything there, posts and comments.  

I still want you to read.  And I still want to hear your comments...but some stuff is happening right now and I just want a little more control...

Holidaze

The 11th Open Adoption Roundtable is up over at Production, Not Reproduction.

The prompt is very vague and I'm just not sure what to write. Actually, I have a lot going on and I don't want to delve into a subject that makes me frown. I dislike the holiday madness and the cold and I won't truly be happy until spring is here. It makes writing hard. Maybe inspiration will strike at some point and I'll write for the post. It deserves a response from me. I've managed to do all of the other roundtable prompts and I should set aside some time to write for this one. I will...maybe...eventually...

But I'm hip deep in another IVF cycle (transfer next Tuesday or Thursday) and the holiday madness and the new job nonsense. I just don't feel like it. I need a break from adoption.

There's only this one prompt for December. If you're interested in reading the actual responses, they're all here.

Birthdays (OART #10)

First, to understand my feelings about birthdays in general, you should understand that when I was growing up, we didn't make a big deal about birthdays. They weren't a particularly important part of our lives and I just plain don't understand making a big fuss about them.

For the daughter that I'm parenting, we do a party for her and her friends...but we don't go crazy. I tend to pick party packages that are 90 minutes-2 hours long and in places where they provide everything from pizza to cake to entertainment. It's acknowledged and celebrated but not exceptionally important.

For the other girls it's gone from not very important to important but in a negative and painful way. I remember them and think of them then of course but the feelings are darker than other times of the year. Yes, they were born and I got to meet them for the first time...but I also had to make that final fateful decision, had to sign TPR papers, had to say goodbye and walk away. Some years, I've sent stuff and some years I haven't. The years I haven't...it's not that I don't care. It's that their birthdays are hard for me. It's that picking out a birthday card that's suitably neutral and inoffensive is emotionally exhausting for me. It's not simple. Nothing is simple. If I send something will it even matter to them? If I don't, would they even care?

For the most part, over the years, I've just not done birthdays. I curl up, safe in my own bed, and hide from the world. I want to send something but at the same time, I don't. Because I'm already emotionally raw. Sorting through cards and finding one that's acceptable to me and hopefully not offensive to their parents is hard in the best of times and at birthdays, when I already feel the worst, I just don't feel like I can cope. So mostly, I'm a coward about it. It hurts so I don't poke at it. And that's been easy because Raven's parents have never suggested that my presence at birthday time would be welcome and Morigan's family is too far away for a day trip to be practical. But things are changing. I can't hide from birthdays as easily anymore.

Last year, I almost went to Cass's first birthday party. I was invited and I planned to go but Dawn was sick so I didn't. I don't know what that would have been like.

And this year, on Morrigan's birthday, Dawn wanted to call...so we did. It was a short call and I managed not to cry during it but I cried for an hours after and pretty much crashed for the weekend.

I have no idea what the next round of birthdays will bring. I'm afraid to find out. And so I'll shove the subject back into it's box and lock it tight until I absolutely have to consider it again. I have a few months reprieve until Cass turns two.

Go to Production, Not Reproduction to read the other Open Adoption Roundtable #10 entries.

crawls up out of NaNoWriMo land...

I saw the open adoption round table prompt #9 today and I cringed. I'm in the middle of NaNoWriMo with it's challenge of 50,000 words in 30 days and a personal challenge from a friend to make it 75,000 words in 30 days. I don't need any more writing right now. I really really don't. Any writing I do for the prompt is words that won't count toward my total for the day. But...I've done all of the prompts so far and I'm not going to hide from this one. I will, however, try to keep it short.
------------------------------------
The Prompt:

This round we're going to consider one critique of fully open adoptions. Have you ever heard--or perhaps even made--statements like these?

"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

These statements are from people participating in closed and semi-open adoptions. I paraphrased them slightly, but left the meanings intact.

The writers share a certain point-of-view: that direct contact during early childhood between birth families and children placed for adoption may not be the best idea. Adopted persons should be free to initiate relationships with their first families--or not--on their own timetable. The parents (first and adoptive) in an adoption shouldn't make such an important and personal decision for them.

What is your response? Do you agree or disagree? Why?

--------------------------------------------------------
I've heard all of those reasons for not having a fully open adoption before. My first adoption was intended to only be semi-open with everything through the agency and only 1 mediated visit per year. that kind of all got tossed out the window after the first visit thought I didn't have identifying information on them until 2008.

All of those things sound like things adults tell themselves to rationalize the decision to keep an adoption closed or semi-open only. I think it's perfectly okay to choose a closed or semi-open adoption. "Open Adoption" is such a broad therm that no one can actually agree exactly what an open adoption looks like. And while there's plenty of research about adults in closed adoptions, there isn't so much about adults in open adoptions. It's a judgement call based on the preferences of the adults involved. When people tell me about their not-fully-open adoption, all I'm concerned about is if it works for them. Because you know what? That's what the child will pick up on most, whether everyone was comfortable with the arrangement. A good arrangement in my opinion, no matter the degree of actual openness in the present day, has the flexibility to change over the years based on the needs of the child.

I'm not bothered by the statements above if they're directed in an 'for our family, this works' way but I rarely see them that way. Mostly, they're in a belligerent way, as if anyone choosing a route different than the one those parents chose is wrong. I think we (as in parents in general) have a tendency to say, "we do this because it's the right way to do it," implying that any other way of doing things is wrong. I try to steer away from that. It creates hurt feelings and tears us apart instead of helping us to find common ground. I much prefer, "We do this because it works for us. If it didn't work, we'd try something else. And it might not work for everyone."

And my feelings about each statement in turn:
"We have medical histories and can share the information we have about their birth parents with our children now. If they feel a need to initiate contact with their birth families when they are adults, we will fully support them."

Medical histories change. New things happen all of the time that should be added into a medical history. They're not stagnant things.

As for contact later, reunion is a messy business. One of the major perks about open adoption is that it allows a child to see it as 'normal' and they don't get any big surprises as they get older. When is old enough to handle the emotional shocks of reunion? 16? 18 when they're just graduating from high school? 21 when they're in college and dealing with the pressures of being an adult on their own? Perhaps not until they're 35 and old enough to run for president?

And in this time, when they're waiting until the time is right to meet their bio-family, what if something happens to them? A sibling who dies of cancer in her teens, bio-grandparents who die of old age, bio-mom dead in a car accident. All those things can happen. Would it have been better to know them a little first hand or never have a chance to know them at all?

"The decision to have a relationship with her bio family should be hers when she is ready. Creating a relationship between them before she wants it might cause issues in the future."

Do you let children choose whether or no to see their grandparents? Do you let them choose to see their cousins at the family reunion? Do you let an infant choose who will babysit them while their parents are away?

When the child is young, their parents make all kinds of decisions about who they will interact with and who they won't. A parent chooses the relatives they get to know, who the child has over for playdates, and even to some extent, who their classmates are in school (by choosing different schooling options). How is a first parent different than Aunt Sally who gives smells like cheap perfume?

If the child doesn't like Aunt Sally (hey, my daughter has some relatives she likes less than others) and can express why they don't want to interact with them, then you take their viewpoint into consideration. Sometime, you allow the child to opt out of activities with the person they dislike. Sometimes, you as a parent overrule them. Why should it be different with adoption? You (the a-parent) talk to the child and if the child becomes uncomfortable with visits as they get older, talk to them and decide what they want to do. And then talk to the first parent so they know what's up. I certainly don't want to be someone's hated Aunt Sally that they're forced to see twice a year. Talk to me and tell me how I can make it better or if it's better to back off for a while. Anything to make it work for the child as long as it's about the child and not your own insecurities.

I think when parents say this, they usually mean something like, "We can't decide if openness is good or bad so we just won't decide now. Instead, we'll push these adult decisions off on a child."

"Children deserve to have just one family during childhood and not to deal with anything adoption-related until they are more mature. A fully open adoption robs a child of a normal childhood."

How so? Or rather...how does the contact change the childhood more than the adoption does? You can't pretend that adoption closed or open does not have an effect on the child's childhood. Adoption changes things and it's not the only thing that changes a child's life. Many things change a childhood, make it better or worse for a time - death or sickness of a loved one, loss of a pet, a bad teacher or a great one, divorce or remarriage of a parent, the birth of a younger sibling, a move to a different location. But as parents, we normalize things for the child. We help them understand the changes in their life and the differences between their life and the lives of their peers. What's wrong with normalizing adoption? How does a larger extended family and more people to send birthday cards make a child's life worse?

That was longer than I planned...but I'm done. I guess I don't have a conclusion. My brain is complete mush. Go visit the roundtable to read more posts on this topic. And go visit The Office of Letters and Light to thank them for turning my brain to mush this November.

Blogs...

This is the 8th open adoption roundtable discussion. Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is conducting the circus. I love to get these writing prompts and I equally love to go around and read all of the responses...though I could be better about leaving comments. I'm not first this time but I probably won't be the last either. You can read the other responses here.

The Prompt: Write about a blogger (or bloggers) who influenced your real-life open adoption, and how.

I saw it yesterday and I considered it. And I didn't know what to write or who to pick. How can I choose one person who has influenced me the most? Does influencing me qualify as influencing the adoptions? A lot has influenced my thinking over the years. And sadly, the ones that influenced me the most early on are mostly abandoned or completely gone.

So from my blog list now, the blogs that I keep going back to:

*This Woman's Work - Dawn's blog first caught my attention because her child is old enough to share how she feels about the adoption experience and her mom writes about it. Also, since Raven is 6 and Morrigan is almost 5, Dawn's daughter Madison is at an age that I'm very interested in hearing her viewpoint, especially since Raven and Morrigan's families don't share that type of day to day discussion with me. Reading This Woman's Work and other blogs that have children old enough to discuss things as they process what adoption means, blogs where the parents do share that information, really helps me hang on. Open adoption is hard and it's okay for it to be hard. It helps to be reminded that it's not just hard for me and that there's a reason to hang on to the openness now instead of backing away and saying, "later is soon enough."

*Jacksmom at Hoping for Another Little One and...
*Kristen at Parenthood Path
...have both given me a lot of insight into the early part of the adoption process and the decision making that goes into it. This has influenced my thinking in a lot of different ways and hleped me gain a deeper understanding. Their influence on my adoptions is more subtle and indirect but the understanding that reading them has given me is a great gift. It has expenaded my thinking, brought me to a place I wasn't before. So thank you to them and others like them sharing the beginning of their journey so I can try to gain a greater understanding.

I have to admit that there are not many first parent blogs that I read regularly. I have a few in my reader but I rarely do more than skim them. Why? Their experience is not my experience. Their experiences are important and sometimes I sit down and focus on just those but I don't do it often because as usual, I don't seem to fit in. I've placed more than once and many of them express horror at the thought. I don't read blogs that are religion focused and many first moms turn to religion for comfort and reasons. Some new first moms are so lost in their pain that reading them pulls me back there to that place; I remember that place and I can't afford to go back there very frequently. Some are so happy and cheerful and pro-adoption that they make me sad for them, wondering when they will experince the bad. Some are so anti-adoption and full of hate that I cringe and flee with my tail between my legs. Both sets of experiences are valid and real but I'm more of a middle of the road kind of person.

And I'm equally ashamed to admit that I no longer read blogs of adults who were adopted, not with any regularity. There are none in my current feed reader. There experiences too are valuable. I used to devour those blogs when the children I placed were babies and I was trying to figure out how they would feel. Now though, I find that reading them regularly pokes at the things I'm most unsure about. I wonder and worry about how the girls will feel in 10 years or 15 or 30. Reading the blogs of adults who were adopted makes me worry more about that future that will not be here for a long time so mostly I don't read them. I have to focus on the now and the immediate future to get through my days. The decision is made and done and their feelings in 10 or 15 or 30 years are things we will just have to deal with then...

*The Great Surro Adventure by ManifestDestiny(IM) and Awesomebabymama(TS) - This last blog on my list isn't an adoption blog at all. It's a traditional surrogacy. The intended mother (IM) and the tradtional surrogate (TS) are blogging about their experience together. The TS is in her third trimester. It's amazing to see how they work together. How does this influence my adoptions? Child-centered open adoptions are about cooperation between the adults so that the child can know everyone. That isn't always easy. I look at this blog and think, "Look what they're doing," and it reminds me that cooperation is possible. I can't wait to see what happens after the baby is born.

Those are the blogs that influence me and the bloggers that make me think.


Go back to the Open Adoption Roundtable to read other posts on this topic.

Lines in the Sand

This is Open Adoption Roundtable #7

The Prompt: Where do you draw the lines--on your blog and in your personal life--and why? What, if anything, don't you tell?

I blog publicly because it's a different type of release than journeling privately. I find that I'm able to work through my own emotions better when others give input. As I change the words, edit to reflect my feelings and the situation as precisely as I can to strangers,I come to a deeper understanding of the situation and of myself.

My personal rules:

• I write knowing that the world could be reading. This blog is linked to an email address that I use as my main email address. It's not an anonymous address. It can be found, even by people I might not want to read it and I have to keep that in mind.
  
• Sometimes I edit heavily because I'm not sure who's reading but I try to let my real emotions shine through. My feelings are mine and no one else has the right to insist that they change or tell me they're wrong.
  
• I admit that I occasionally post things about my emotions/feelings that I wouldn't say directly to a person. I know they could be reading but reading isn't engaging in a dialogue. The people in my life are fairly well-trained. They can read the blog and learn what I might not want to talk about...but just because I'm willing to write about it doesn't mean I'm willing to talk about a subject or enter into a debate on it.
• I write things and save them for a day or two days before posting. Okay...I don't always do that but I should. Because when I don't, I usually regret it.
  
• At the same time, I try not to edit too much. I figure if someone reads my blog and it hurts/upsets them, they can stop reading it. There's a little x at the top of the screen to close the tab. If it bothers you, go away and don't come back. I tell people that I speak to IRL that if they don't want to actually know how I feel, that they shouldn't read my blog.
• I try to only write enough about a situation to explain how it impacted me. What did I do? How did I feel? I tell what others do but I try not to speculate on their feelings or "why" they do the things they do.
  
• I don't use anyone's real first name unless I know they use it online in a public way. (Cass's mom for instance always uses her real first name online pretty much everywhere so I feel no hesitation to use it here.)
  
• I don't post pictures of my child or anyone else's children. Mostly because I'm lazy about taking pictures in general and consider making memories more important that taking pictures to share.

Another thing is that I tend to destroy blogs behind me.
Never forget a blog.
Never leave it behind to be found after you've stopped using it and have forgotten the password.

I save entries. I have blog entries saved to a disk from 2001 when I was pregnant with Munchkin. And blog entries from 2003 when Raven was born. And others too, of periods of my life. Those entries are important to me. They reflect how I felt then...but they could be hurtful to others if they were found in a decade. At the time I wrote them, I warned people that they were raw feelings, that they shouldn't be read if people didn't want to know. But when I moved on, I took them down. My feelings about then are different that the feelings I was feeling then. I think it's important for me to remember how I felt then...but I don't think the world has to be able to access them.

This blog too may eventually be gone...but not anytime soon. I'm calmer now, my emotions more stable than they were when I was a teen. The posts are less likely to be deeply hurtful even if read by the people involved...or at least, I like to think so. I've learned temperance and I've mellowed over the years.

What's in a name?

Back in April, Miss Emmy gave me a headache with pointed questions about my feelings on naming.  We don't really disagree exactly but we have very different points of view that we just can't seem to mesh up.  

When this morning I woke up hungry (thanks Medrol) and decided to check my email and found that the Open Adoption Roundtable #6 was on naming, I was going to just link to that post...but after reading it, I think it needs expanded on a little.  

The Prompt:  Write about names/naming and open adoption.

I didn't name Raven, not at all.  The agency discouraged it because the parents would change it anyway.  And when her parents mentioned a name that made me cringe internally, I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.  Not really my business what a parent names a child, right?  It's one of those major regrets.  And I wonder what she'll say when she's old enough to notice and ask?  

I did name Morrigan in the original birth certificate.  The agency encouraged it with the caveat that the adoptive parents would probably change it.  Her parents kept the name I chose as her middle name and I was thrilled.  It seemed that the name kept would give her a tangible connection to us.  But it ended up creating a problem in some ways because the lawyers didn't realize it at first and I had to sign TPR papers twice because the first time didn't have her name on them, only "Baby Girl" and you can imagine how much of a nightmare that was.   Still, it was worth it.  

With Cass, I had a brief period where I considered insisting on a name the same way I knew Emmy planned to with her daughter.  She was due before I was and ended up delivering just three days after Cass was born.  But in the end, I took the cowards way out.  I was terrified that insisting on the naming issue, or even giving my opinion on the naming issue would chase away the parents I wanted...and so with much regret, I gave that up.  I think I may have driven Cass's mom a little crazy by refusing to even comment on the names they were considering.  I did name her on the original birth certificate.  I even received that original birth certificate copy (though I ended up sending it to her parents) and just holding it in my hands was really cool.  

How will any of them feel about this as they get older?  What will they think about having two names or learning that they were not named?  I have no idea.  I hope someone tells them the truth or at least gies me a chance to tell my side.  

It's an emotional issue...and I haven't really given the emotions here have I?  Just the facts of what did happen and not the sleepless nights involved or the worry that there will be confusion or resentment.  The other post from April touches on some of it.  And the rest, I'll think about how to put into words.  I tend to circle around an issue, pick at it until I think I understand my feelings well enough to write them.  And then I get comments that help me consider new angles and I start the process all over again.  

And since this is a Open Adoption Round Table Post, you can go to Production, Not Reproduction to read what the talented writerers there have to say on the issue.