Wish List

This is Open Adoption Roundtable #3
You can go to that post to find other bloggers all writing about the same topic.

The Prompt: Share your wish list for your open adoption(s).
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This is unusually hard for me. I have something to say on most topics...but having something to say and wanting to say it for the world to read are two different things. Remember that I am in 3 different open adoption relationships. And different is an important word because they're all really different. It's okay for them to be different. They all seem to work okay most of the time. There are things in all of them that I wish would change but listing them here...no. I just can't. I know at least one of my daughters' mothers reads here and the others may read or not but it is a public blog. That's enough to keep me a little cautious.



I wish... (in no particular order)

...Respect. Remember that I'm not your child even if you are as old as my mother is. I'm an adult, an intelligent capable one who has been a parent for over 7 years. My life doesn't revolve around you and our daughter.

...Communication. I don't need to hear the minutiae of your life. Though I can listen for hours because what you consider boring details are important things for me. I don't need you to send me 3 page long emails daily. I do need you to reassure me on a regular basis that you still want contact, even if you don't feel like writing more than one line. Something. Please understand that when you get too busy to turn on your computer and send an email, I think you're gone. Months pass and I don't hear from you and I mourn the lost contact. I wonder if I should contact you again...but you haven't gotten back to me and maybe you don't want contact. I'm afraid that showing how desperate I am for contact will just push you away faster. And then you appear acting like everything's fine. For you, I'm sure it is. For me though...I wonder why I put myself though that. Wouldn't it be better to have no contact and know there won't be any than to hope and have that crushed? Will our daughter understand that you were the one out of contact or will she think I wasn't interested in her during that time?

...Trust. I want to get to know your daughter. Do you know how hard that is with you hovering? Take two big steps back and encourage her to talk to me and play with me. Don't talk for her. I kept your daughter safe for you until she was born and could go safely to your arms. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I have criminal and child abuse clearances, a good (though not perfect) driving record, and I'm certified in CPR and wilderness first aid. I know she's your daughter and going home with you. Haven't I been showing you that for years now? But show me, just a little that you trust me, go sit on the bench mom, let the younger person climb the playground equipment. Do you think your daughter can't tell that you don't trust me? What type of relationship does that build? My 7-year-old asks about it after visits so I know your daughter probably notices too.

...Privacy. Just because you are the parents of my daughter doesn't mean I have to share my whole life with you. I can't think of a single instance where you would need to call me at work, please don't do that again. Especially, there are feelings and thoughts I don't want to voice to you. Don't poke and pressure. You feel your daughter might want to know someday? She can ask herself. Do you tell her every thought, every emotion, every terrible painful part of your past? Do you want to share all of those private things with me? No? Well then...

...It's for the children. I try to remain open to any type or amount of contact you want. It's not about my emotions here, but the emotions of the children involved. They didn't have any choice in the matter. Children, plural. The daughter you're parenting and the daughter I am. Can you see that your child isn't the only one affected by this? That I'm not the only one hurt when you disappear? Do you care? And this last is the only reason I might actually cut off contact. When you hurt me, I can rationalize that you're doing the best you can for your daughter. That's what I want and if it hurts me, so be it. But what about my daughter, the one who asks 3 times a day if I've heard from her sister's mom?