Future Relationship

So I was reading this open adoption roundtable post by a hopeful adoptive parent, Jacksmom.

"I just worry that our child will think that their life would be better if they were with their "real parents" which I think is completely normal, but will still hurt so badly. I worry that our child's first parents will feed these childish notions not necessarily on purpose but perhaps inadvertently in the process of trying to have a good relationship with our child. Kind of like trying to be their friend instead of another parent."

And I started thinking, what if? Do adoptive parents really want the first parent to be another parent? Do they want us to second guess their parental decisions? I thought open adoption wasn't co-parenting? And if it's not co-parenting, there can only be 2 (or 1) parents and they're not the bio-parents.

Truthfully, I'm less than a decade from those rebellious teenage years myself. I remember fighting with my mother. At times, I hated her. I told her I wanted to live with dad, or grandma, or anywhere but with her. Was she sure she was my real mom? (How could she be confused?) We were nothing alike. (Actually, we're more alike than I care to admit but physically, we look very different except that I have her eyes.) I wanted to live with XXXXXX, her parents were nice. I once packed my horse's saddle bags and disappeared into the mountains. I don't remember if there was an effort made to find me and they failed or if they never bothered. Four days later, I was hungry and really wanted a shower and I came home. My point is, those things must have hurt my mother (who was biologically my mother), but they're normal.

My daughter at 4 started the, ""Can I live with grandma?" thing.
"No," I told her. "You live with me."
Several of her friends' moms in pre-school mentioned hearing a similar question so I wasn't so insulted. It's normal, even that young. Grandma does all sorts of fun things with her the entire time the visit...but grandma has all week to deal with real-life stuff...and she has to tag along with me to do those things, like go to the grocery store. And grandma encourages that. Grandma gets to be a little bit of an authority figure in that Munchkin has to listen...but she also gets to be a friend. I can never forget that I have to be "mom" because no one else will. So sure, sometimes munchkin likes my mother more than me because I set firm rules and don't bend.

I'm not to the crazy teenage years in adoption, but they're coming. And some things have already started...

My oldest child will be 8 in two months and I'm parenting her. Already I've heard from her, "Raven's mom is nicer, I wish I was adopted."
Imagine those feelings and doubts. A little kids direct words can hurt so much more than an adult's veiled venom. But she didn't mean it like that. And it was my job as mom to say, "Yup, Raven's mom lets her do X, Y, and Z. But I'm your mom and you live with me and I'm in charge."
"Why can't I live with them?"
"Because you're stuck with me forever." And no matter how much I hurt to even hear it, over-reacting wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. Later, I cried for hours.

Jacksmom's post got me thinking. What do I expect the relationship to be like with the daughters I placed as they grow? I've spent all my time reinforcing that I'm not mom. They know I'm not mom and I know I'm not mom. But more than that, I've established that I'm not an authority figure. If we're together and they act up, it's their parents job to discipline them, not mine.

If I'm with a friend or family members together with our kids, we set rules and all adults enforce them on all children present. If J's daughter, Delphi, tugs on my sleeve and says she's thirsty, I'll hand her the sippy cup or a cup of water. If she tells me she's hungry and I'll offer her a snack, absently because I know her mom won't mind. That's distinctly different.

With Raven and Morrigan (not yet with Cass, she was too young my last visit to have this kind of interaction) I'm very conscious that I'm not the parent. I'm not any type of authority figure. Want quarters for the arcade games? Go ask your mom if you're allowed to play them and if she says yes, I'll give them to you. Want juice? Let's go ask your dad whether you're allowed to have juice or if I should get you a water. When will I see you again? I don't know. I hope it's soon but you'll have to ask your parents, they're in charge.

See? And in the early years (now), I think that's important - reassuring them that I know who their mom is and at the same time, reassuring their parents that I won't step on any toes if I can avoid them. I respect their role as parents. But that mean I can't take the role of a parent or authority figure. That's their role.

A friend of mine is a Big Sister with the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program. It's a mentorship program that gives kids in rough spots a consistent adult in their life for one on one contact. Not a parent or authority figure, but an older friend. I think being in the "Big' role is probably like a favorite trusted teacher...not a parent at all but a little more/different than a friend. I hope desperately for a relationship like that with the daughters I'm not parenting. Sometimes that means I'll listen like a friend...and other times, it will mean I'll suggest that they go to their parents. I hope they see me as someone they can come to if they feel they can't go to their parents. I hope the daughter I'm parenting has someone like that in their life because I believe strongly that every teen needs someone like that.

And if they're a teen and want to live with me? Well, if they're still legally minors, they can't. It's just that simple. Go work it out with your parents kid. And if they want to move out of their parents' house at 18 and move in with me? Okay...but if they want to live with me, they have to follow my rules. And looking at my daughters' parents...I think I'm significantly stricter than they are, especially Raven's parents and Morrigan's parents. I can be a fun friend/mentor but as a parent, I'm unyielding in many areas.

I wonder if a-parents and possible a-parents will read that last paragraph and cringe. Will they worry how much it will hurt them if it happens? Perhaps they won't want the first mother to be seen as a friend/mentor. But I ask, what do you want your child's relationship with their bio-parents to be then?

Sure, they're the first parents, the birth parents, the bio-parents or whatever terminology you prefer to use. But open adoptions frequently don't even look like each other. I don't know what a bi-parent is supposed to act like in your mind. So I compare my ideal relationship, a friend/mentor, a trusted adult but not a parent. And I wonder if some will object to the friend/mentor role description. But how else can it be? If you don't want her to act like a parent (and she shouldn't, that's your job!) and you don't want her to be a friend because your child might like her more, what then should she be?

And I say that being a parent means not being a friend all of the time. Parents make the rules and hard choices. Sometimes children don't like their parents and it's normal. But I can't be the parent so what better to be than a friend?